A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
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[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
<- sleeps well with others