I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
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ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
that wasn’t the question
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.