me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Did…did a minotaur write this
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I cannot stop laughing at this
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”