*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
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Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
this has done me in for some reason
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!