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I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
@ candidates for local office
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!