my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
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I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.