ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
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I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
do u think theres a butter planet?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
If looks could kill
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.