I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
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statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
So the ex texted me
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.