Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
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It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.