If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
You Might Also Like
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*