WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
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Vodka burrito was a success
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.