I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
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Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.