Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
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(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.