Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
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Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory