I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
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[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I’m not wrong
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.