Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
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I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Twitter is the new flypaper.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.