Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
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ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.