“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
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When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I wish this was real life…
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.