I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
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I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
…żyje?
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.