Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
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Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My work here is don’t.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
pep talk
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”