We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
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thank god
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Just had my nails done!
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.