On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
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Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?