My cat is trying to kill me. 馃ぃ
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I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the 拢100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven鈥檛 seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I鈥檇 send him a picture of me with the money.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
sin harder.
Me: i feel like we don鈥檛 communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where鈥檚 your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 馃槣馃槀馃槃馃ぃ馃し馃槣
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
tired of age gap discourse. now let鈥檚 do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source