Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
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The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Is this you?
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”