Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
CUTE CAT‼︎
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.