My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
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Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“I’m helping” 😅