I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
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Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.