At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
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date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu