them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
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SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
What’s so funny?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?