wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
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I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Expect the unexporcupine.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.