I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.