Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
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A fake ID that makes you younger
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.