(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
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I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.