*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
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DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
hey, alexa
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Spotted in New Orleans.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
waiting for halloween be like:
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband