y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
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sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.