Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
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Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
[montage of me giving-up]
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.