Worth remembering.
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Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.