My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
You Might Also Like
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
A completely valid reaction tbh
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE