every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
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My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
That’s amazing.