Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
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perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink