Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
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If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
why no one uses midhusbands
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”