I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
You Might Also Like
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Feels
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates