You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
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It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.