Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
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Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I am also baked goods
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Autocarrot sucks!
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.