Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
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It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.