Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
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It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or