If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
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[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.