NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
You Might Also Like
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.