I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
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I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*