At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
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Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
his wife is probably gonna see that
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.